BISCUIT
My name is Biscuit, and I want to be very clear that what happened in the kitchen was not entirely my fault. I will
BISCUIT
First, the bin. The
BISCUIT
bin has always been there. It
BISCUIT
has always contained interesting things.
BISCUIT
This is not new information. Everyone
BISCUIT
in this house knows the bin contains interesting things, and nobody has done anything about this, which is a failure of household management that predates today's events by several years.
BISCUIT
Second, the timing. The
BISCUIT
family left at nine in the morning.
BISCUIT
It is my understanding that Saturdays are the days when people go out for long periods and return with bags. I have observed
BISCUIT
this pattern for four years. I was,
BISCUIT
therefore, aware that I had time.
BISCUIT
Third, the chicken. I want to
BISCUIT
address the chicken specifically because I know this is what everyone is going to talk about when they come home. And I think it is important to establish the facts before the narrative becomes distorted. The
BISCUIT
chicken was in the bin. The bin
BISCUIT
was in the kitchen. I was in
BISCUIT
the kitchen. These
BISCUIT
facts were not arranged by me. I found
BISCUIT
them this way. What I did
BISCUIT
with the chicken is a separate matter, and I am prepared to discuss it. The
BISCUIT
additional items from the bin, specifically the cardboard from the cereal box and the thing that turned out to be a lemon and was very disappointing were exploratory in nature. I was trying
BISCUIT
to understand the full picture. I think
BISCUIT
this shows a quality of thoroughness that is frequently overlooked when people assess my behavior.
BISCUIT
Regarding the flour, I will
BISCUIT
say only that the cupboard under the counter has a latch and that this latch has been broken since November of last year. And that if the family is concerned about the contents of this cupboard being accessed during their absence, they should fix the lap, which I have been suggesting in my own way for several months. I am aware
BISCUIT
that the kitchen currently looks different from how it looked this morning. I want to
BISCUIT
assure everyone that I am as surprised as they will be. I do not
BISCUIT
fully understand how things escalated to this degree. I had a
BISCUIT
plan, and the plan was orderly. And somewhere between the bin and the flour, the plan became something else. And I acknowledge that the something else is what they will see when they open the door. I am currently
BISCUIT
sitting in my bed in the corner, which I do not normally do before the family returns, because I find it as a helpful position to be in when the family returns to an unexpected situation. It
BISCUIT
communicates, I am here. I am calm. I am available to discuss what has happened in a mature way. The cat
BISCUIT
is on the windowsill. The
BISCUIT
cat was in this kitchen the entire time and did nothing to intervene. I think this
BISCUIT
context is important. I am ready
BISCUIT
to take full responsibility for my role in today's events, which was significant, but not exclusive, and which should be understood in the context of the bin, the latch, the chicken, and the considerable amount of time I had to fill. I have been
BISCUIT
a good dog in all other respects. I would like
